Lolita Wolf's Predictions & Predilections

As a BDSM Sex Educator and Author, I don't just talk about it. I do it! And then I write about it.

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The Princess and the Jellybean

September 1st, 2009 · 1 Comment

I’m not big on processing, but sometimes I think it worthwhile to take a step back and look things over.  Relationships are not stagnant, even though I am not one to push them along.  Actually, I am loathe to push them along at all.  And just to where would I push it along that could be better than this?  Why try to change something that is fun, fulfilling and working?  I am not goal oriented about my relationships.  And there’s a certain freedom around that.  There’s no pressure to change.

But relationships do change, seemingly on their own.  And the relationship with Don Quixote is going on three years and it’s changed.  It’s gotten more intimate, more trusting, more loving.  As much as I want to stick my head into the sand about it, that change can’t be ignored.  I especially can’t ignore it because my friends and family treat us more and more like a couple and they make fun of me for refusing to define the relationship further than calling him my jellybean.

Just what am I supposed to do now?  And without fucking it up?  Is this all about a label?  Would they be satisfied if I called him my boyfriend?  Or my partner?  Ugh!  Those labels carry all sorts of baggage.

We have no rules and no expectations of each other.  Either one of us can do anything we want.  I guess there are some unspoken rules, like, for instance: we don’t lie to each other, but regular good friends don’t lie to one other either.  We are considerate to each other, just like good friends.  We support each other and do nice things for each other, just like good friends.  Are these rules?  Not really.  I don’t make rules with friends.  And I don’t think we need rules here.  I don’t have higher expectations.

So, do I really need to call it something else?

I showed this to the jellybean and he wrote back to me:

“The thing is: the only people we really have to worry about with this thing are each other.  I feel really lucky that our honesty and receptiveness keep bringing us along.  The name jellybean has come to be perfect for it.  Maybe other folks want it defined in some other way, but I’m very happy to just think of you as my Princess.”

That’s totally perfect!  So stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

Tags: Relationships

  • Hey, it works for the two of you and sounds quite lovely to me. You have all the essential qualities necessary for a great relationship: respect, trust, love, friendship, understanding, non-possessiveness, low expectations, and awareness that relationships aren’t static (thereby causing you to live more in the present together).

    People who care about you shouldn’t pressure you to define it. That seems to me to be more about them and their comfort level (or lack thereof) with your relationship as they understand it and what it may reflect about their own. In other words, their issue may have nothing to do with you.