Lolita Wolf's Predictions & Predilections

As a BDSM Sex Educator and Author, I don't just talk about it. I do it! And then I write about it.

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Question #5

March 13th, 2009 · 2 Comments

I’m a hetreo man, mid-30s with a fetish and not able to find any partners. Just read “the Other Side of Desire”. One thing they say in the book again and again is that virtually everyone with a paraphillia is a male. I suppose that would explain my inability to find anyone. In your experience do you think that is true? Could you give a gestimate as to the number of women in different fetishes.

Yes, I also believe that most people with a paraphillia or fetish are male.  You do not say what you fetish is, but if you are looking for a woman with the exact same fetish that you have, it is like looking for a needle in a haystack.  Almost totally impossible.

However, I really do not think you should be disheartened by this.  You can still have a healthy relationship that satisfies your fetish.  You have to be a well-rounded person who is willing to share many interests with your partner – both in and out of the bedroom.  If you can do the things your partner enjoys and get her off the way she likes to get off, she should be willing to do the things you want to do, too.

What you need to find is someone who is what Dan Savage calls GGG.  “GGG stands for ‘good, giving, and game,’ which is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think ‘good in bed,’ ‘giving equal time and equal pleasure,’ and ‘game for anything—within reason.’”

The mistake many fetishists make is that they are solely focused on their own fetish.  It is a huge turn-off if a fetishist sees a woman only as a fetish object.  However, if fetish play is incorporated as a part of a scene or love-making, she can enjoy this either because she wants to reciprocate or because she will find that she enjoys it, too.  She may just enjoy it on a different level than you.

March is question month. You can ask your question and enter my Babeland contest here.

Tags: Relationships