Lolita Wolf's Predictions & Predilections

As a BDSM Sex Educator and Author, I don't just talk about it. I do it! And then I write about it.

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Feeling safe

April 4th, 2008 · No Comments

Years ago (maybe it was in 1999), I spent a few days visiting with one of my favorite couples down in Maryland Dungeon Country. The Phoenix Society had just lost their new clubhouse in Baltimore, so my couple stepped up and hosted The Phoenix Society party at their home. Of course, I was there even though I was not a member.

I struck up a conversation with a woman who was submissive to a Master who had another submissive. The woman told me she was the beta slave to this Master and his alpha slave. I told her that I was visiting my couple. She instantly felt a sort of camaraderie with me, because I was also a “third.” She felt that she could confide in me. So she asked, “Where do you go to feel safe?’

I was really surprised by this question. But I answered rather quickly, “Here. I feel really safe here.”

She pressed on, “But, you know, really safe, emotionally safe?”

“This is it. There is nowhere else that I feel more safe than here. There are other places where I feel safe besides here, but right now I am here and feel totally safe and happy.”

I didn’t spend much more time talking to that woman, but the conversation stuck with me. And it has stuck with me all this time. And I have analyzed it. I do not feel that I have to be the primary partner or the person who is the primary interest. I feel secure being secondary. I don’t feel that I have to compete. Secondary does not mean “less than.” In fact, in the case of this particular couple, I feel special. They make me feel like I am a princess and that my visits are a special treat for them.

There is nothing more safe than being with people who make me feel included and wanted. It’s why I also love being a part of my leather family. I want to be in the circle; sometimes in the middle of it, but also spend time on the periphery. To be supported and to be able to support.

And writing this reminds me about how much I miss my couple in Maryland Dungeon Country.

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