Lolita Wolf's Predictions & Predilections

As a BDSM Sex Educator and Author, I don't just talk about it. I do it! And then I write about it.

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You have no idea who you’re talking to

August 29th, 2007 · 2 Comments


I made a new acquaintance the other day. I had seen her before. She’s a lesbian. We have some of the same friends and we travel in some of the same circles.

One common theme that comes up often in some of these circles is how straight men are assholes. And it’s true that a lot of them are assholes. But not all of them.

Straight people. The topic comes up so often in the women’s community. It seems acceptable to complain about the straights. Like it’s a topic we all can agree on. We should all be able to commiserate about how horrible the straight people are. Especially those clueless straight men who just don’t get it.

I know what they are talking about. And I am bothered by a lot of those straight men, too. But they’re not all like that. I know a lot of really nice straight men. And the behavior of those clueless straight men is an embarrassment to them, too.

I am bothered by generalizations and stereotypes. These conversations bashing straight men make me uncomfortable. I usually try to let it go, but I can’t just listen to it. I say, “I know what you mean, but not all men are like that.” But they continue with the generalizations. “Well, some of them are okay,” I interject. “I actually have friends who are straight men.” But it’s like they don’t hear me. Or they don’t want to hear me.

Anyway, back to the lesbian I had just met. We’re on the subway together, just the two of us at this point. We’ve talked about a lot of things: work, living situations, food, etc. But she comes back around to the topic of slimy straight men. “So, I’m bisexual,“ I tell her. And now she’s shocked.

She’s shocked because she thought I was another lesbian, like her. Whenever I am hanging with my queer friends, it is assumed that I am a lesbian. They never assume that I am bisexual. And straight people assume I’m straight, because none of them ever assume I’m bisexual either. Nobody ever assumes I’m bisexual. On the other hand, I hate assumptions. Don’t assume I’m not bisexual; don’t assume I am bisexual. But whether or not, I am bisexual, don’t assume that I am about to buy into the stereotype that all straight men are assholes.

I can forgive people for not assuming I’m bisexual, but I don’t have room in my life for heterophobes or homophobes.

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2 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Zoe // Aug 29, 2007 at 5:15 pm

    Lolita –

    I’m sorry this has been your experience. In my circle of queer friends, it’s not normal or accepted to complain about straight people (for one thing, many of them don’t identify as anything more rigid than queer). I live in San Francisco, so maybe this is something that varies by place. The only thing even close is sometimes I tease my closest straight friends by calling them “breeders” but only as a joke to a couple of friends who are very anti-kid.

    Anyway, agreed, generalization are bad. But I’m not sure this a rampant or universal phenomenon.

  • 2 Asian Big Girl // Aug 29, 2007 at 8:12 pm

    See, I think that when you write stuff like *this* is why I confess to Jefferson I have a little girl crush on you. 😉

    I actually had a long talk with a student today about how a lot of prejudices arise from misconceptions based on a person’s sexual preferences, and how annoying it is that so many people can’t work through the “sex” part of it and all their hangups.

    So it was a bit cool to zip to your site today and see this!

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