Lolita Wolf's Predictions & Predilections

As a BDSM Sex Educator and Author, I don't just talk about it. I do it! And then I write about it.

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July 3rd, 2003 · No Comments


July 2, 2003

Volume 9, Number 25© Copyright 2003 by Lolita Wolf

Material may not be reproduced in whole or in part

without prior written consent of the copyright holder.

The views expressed herein are exclusively those of the

author and do not represent the views of any other

person or any organization with which the author may

be associated.



“The story — from ‘Rumplestiltskin’ to ‘War and Peace’

— is one of the basic tools invented by the human mind,

for the purpose of gaining understanding. There have

been great societies that did not use the wheel, but

there have been no societies that did not tell stories.”

– Ursula K. Le Guin



Walking, yes, indeed. I participated in the Dyke March

on Saturday ands then the Gay Pride March on Sunday.

Great weather. Skipped the gym.



By Peggy aka O

Myth No. 2 – Knowing How to Dominate is Innate

How many times have we heard a Dominant proclaim

that they are a “natural” dominant or that they were

“born this way”? Certainly the predisposition may have

been there from an early age. However just because

someone has a preference to be in charge does not mean

they are automatically good at it. If one looks at people

who are viewed by those around them as good leaders

are consistently working on the things that make them

that way. The reason we refer to leadership skills is

because effective leadership does require specific skills.

People, as a general rule, don’t follow along just because.

People are inspired to follow someone. They follow because

they usually have goals they want to obtain and they feel

the leader in question can get them there. They trust their

well being to that leader because something in that leader

has inspired that trust. Dominants need to remember that

the people who follow them don’t have to – they choose to.

The trust in a leader is a fragile thing. It is dynamic and

the inspiration needs to continue. If a submissive loses

trust in the Dominant’s ability to lead effectively, the

relationship is in serious jeopardy. As submissives

occasionally point out, they don’t need a Dominant to

make crappy decisions for them – they are perfectly

capable of doing that on their own. The reason for

having a leader it that they are able to take you

somewhere you aren’t able to go on your own.

Everyone at some point in their life has probably had a

boss or someone in some leadership position that they

have looked up to as someone who is a good leader.

What makes someone a good leader, a benevolent

autocrat that inspires others to move heaven and earth

for them? What skills do we look for when we are

looking for a good Ds relationship leader? What tools

can someone use to be an effective leader?


Skill #1 – Honesty

People may be surprised to find that honesty is a skill,

however the ability to communicate with someone in an

honest manner, particularly if the message is an

unpleasant one is not particularly innate. There is a

human tendency to not want to tell people things that

will produce a negative reaction. One of the main

justifications one hears for dishonesty is that the person

doing the lying did not want to hurt the other person with

the truth. Although there are exceptions, for the most

part this is self-serving in that the bad new deliver really

does not want to have to face the consequences and

negative reaction of the other person. However, those

who are in search of a leader generally do not consider

people who have trouble dealing with others around

unpleasantness as good prospects for the position. A

leader is generally viewed as someone who can deliver

bad news honestly, deal with the fallout, and move on.

Skill #2 – Consistency

Nothing is more frustrating for those following than to

have a leader who changes course on a whim. Good

leaders are seen as people who have a plan, have

mapped out a course and follow through on it, making

adjustments on the way as necessary, but not changing

their minds in a seemingly random manner. For someone

in relationship with a Dominant, it is important to be able

to rely on the Dominant’s reaction to specific behaviors

and activities and it is important to be able to anticipate

to a certain extent. If the Dominant is erratic, it reduces

the effectiveness of their leadership. Those who follow

them are not able to trust in the vision the Dominant has

because the Dominant themselves have trouble

translating their vision into reality. For Ds relationships

where discipline and punishment are part of the mix,

consistency becomes particularly important. Trust can be

seriously damaged by a Dominant whose pattern of

being punishing happens, for example to track to the

level of stress they are having at the workplace.

Consistency in behavior and enforcement of rules creates

trust and a certain level of predictability at the core.

Skill #3 – Clarity

If the people around you frequently misunderstand or

misinterpret what you’re saying, chances are that they’re

not stupid, but rather that your communication style is

ineffective. When giving instructions, it helps to make a

mental outline of what you want to communicate – key

points and clear descriptions of specific tasks to be

performed. This is important particularly if tasks need to

be completed in a certain order. In developing clear

communication styles, it can help to put things in writing

first before sitting down and talking about them. This gives

structure to the discussion and is a way of ensuring that

nothing is left out. Again, clear, understandable behavior

and communication goes a long way in getting people to

follow. Be clear, then get out of the way.

Skill #4 – Communication

Communication of goals, ideas and method are important

to effective leadership. Although, as with anything, there

are exceptions, most people like to know why they are doing

something, how decisions will impact them and they like to

be part of the decision making process, even if they are not

making the final decision. If there is communication and

participation, even if the decision turns out to be a poor

one, everyone has ownership and there won’t be

resentment against the leader for making a unilateral

decision that proved to be stupid. There are Dominants

who feel that communicating with their submissives isn’t

necessary – that the submissive is there to obey and that

understanding goals and reasons isn’t necessary.

However, unless the Dominant makes perfect decisions

every time, the effect of pure unilateral, unaided decision

making is that, not only is the Dominant not making use

of all assets and information available, but each bad

decision erodes the trust of submissive in the leadership

skills of the Dominant.

Skill #5 – Patience

Rome wasn’t built in a day. Neither is a relationship.

People, Dominants and submissives alike have bad days.

They make bad decisions. They exercise poor judgment.

They get cranky. Life gets in the way. Learning to roll with

the punches and not get mired in details are generally

considered skills that good leaders have honed. When

things go askew, clarity of communication, refocusing on

end goals and being consistent in dealing with the

situation will help provide ongoing trust in the leader’s


Skill #6 – Ability to see a Global Perspective

As pointed out earlier, people follow because they believe

the leader has the ability to get them somewhere they do

not feel they can go on their own. In order to be able to

do this, a leader needs to take into account, not only their

own perspective and needs, but the perspective and needs

of those around them. Although submissives sometimes

declare that they only want what their Dominant wants,

the reality of humans is that everyone has individual

needs and desires. Altruism has limits. Although people

can subjugate their needs to another, basic human

psychology dictates that, at some point the person will

want their own needs met. If someone sees their leader

making decisions with apparent disregard for the effect it

will have on those under their command, their desire to

follow will disintegrate. This is readily apparent if one looks

at military hierarchy – leaders who have lost the faith of

their followers, particularly in times of war, frequently end

up deposed, circumvented or even dead. Sometimes

Dominants fall into the ego trap of doing something

“because they can”. However because one can doesn’t

make something a good idea.

All of these skills are things that can be worked on and

refined. Although some people are born with these skills

as part of their personality, most people have to work on

them. The people who we generally identify as good

leaders have these skills. Those are the people that

inspire others to follow them – in short they are the ones

who are good Dominants in the long run.



BR2003 is Black Rose’s 7th annual pansexual leather,

education and social event. This year the event has

moved to Ocean City, Maryland during November 14-16.

They will be taking over an entire hotel on the beach

which can house about 1000 attendees at lower rates

than the Ramada. Overflow hotels are only a block or two

away. Event registration will open sometime in August.

I’ll announce it in the P+P. More info at

The educational program feature more than 100 classes

spread out over three days. Presenters will be a mix of the

country’s most renowned SM educators and a showcase of

new talent. If you are interested in presenting at BR2003,

send an email to

As a fundraiser for NCSF, Black Rose has generously

donated A Weekend for Two to the Black Rose 2003

Weekend including 2 weekend packages, 3 nights

accommodations at the host hotel, Princess Royale Hotel,

in Ocean City, MD and 2 round trip airplane tickets from

anywhere in the Continental US. (including van service for

two from BWI Airport to Ocean City). Tickets are $5 per

ticket, $20 for 5 tickets. The drawing is on October 21,

2003. I have tickets for sale. You can either talk to me

in person (I always have some with me) or PayPal to me

or send me a check made out to NCSF. Email me for

details at



Thanks to my sponsors!

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Sunday 7.6 NYC

MAsT: Metro New York Meeting: “Initial Master/slave

Courting and Negotiation.” Pansexual. 2-5pm at The LGBT

Center, 208 W 13 St, between 7 & Greenwich Aves. Info:

This Monday and every Monday Cyberspace

Back by popular demand (maybe not so popular but

surely demanding…): The Eulenspiegel Not Til chat room

on AOL 10pm-Midnight. NOT a TES event but an unofficial

place online where many TES members and friends hang

out and talk. No set topic. It is a good place to ask

questions, debate the answers, ask and receive advice,

compare notes about the scene, gossip about last week,

plan the upcoming week, flirt a little, be serious and not

so serious. On AOL in the Town Square area of the

People Connection in a “member room” – not private:

aol://2719:61-2-Eulenspiegel not til. Add this location

to your Favorite Places Folder so that it’s easy to come


Tuesday 7.8 NYC

TES Meeting: “Single tail” with Dov. The use, technique,

and style behind using a single-tail whip. 7:30pm at 75

Bleecker St, just east of Broadway. $8 ($4 for members

of TES and other SM/leather orgs). Info: 212-388-7022


Wednesday 7.9 NYC

TES Novice Group presents “Fantasy & Role Play.” With

all the novice meetings on how to use toys lately, it is time

for one on how to use the most powerful toy… your mind!

From the simplest “Dom/sub dynamic” all the way to the

“clown costume and the seltzer bottle” most of us use

fantasy and role play to some degree in our play. We will

talk about how to integrate F&RP into your scenes and

give you ideas and techniques you can use with your

partners. $8 ($4 for members of TES and other

SM/leather orgs). Info: 212-388-7022 or



Out enjoying the weather….

Have fun! Play safe!

Lolita Wolf

Lolita speaking only for Lolita, of course!

Tags: P+P Newsletter

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