Lolita Wolf's Predictions & Predilections

As a BDSM Sex Educator and Author, I don't just talk about it. I do it! And then I write about it.

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March 22nd, 2003 · No Comments


Volume 9, Number 12 © Copyright 2003 by Lolita Wolf – Material may not be reproduced in whole or in part without prior written consent of the copyright holder. The views expressed herein are exclusively those of the author and do not represent the views of any other person or any organization with which the author may be associated.



“You never find yourself until you face the truth.”

– Pearl Bailey



People who were not at South Plains Leather Fest have been asking me about my comments in the P+P about Tom Stice. They want to know what was actually said. People who were at SPLF understand what I wrote and why I wrote it. Many appreciate that someone pointed out the Emperor’s clothes.

An emcee of a contest is there to keep things moving along quickly and to fill some time when things need to be stretched out. The International Master & slave Contest was very well organized and had a lot of good filler to give the contestants and judges plenty of time to do their parts. There was a basket auction and a history portion by Dave Rhodes, etc. From the time the three contestant pairs were first introduced until they came out on stage for a second time, almost an hour had passed.

Tom said a lot of things that were just downright embarrassing to me and others in the audience. He told us that, “Ten years ago in Alabama, the only Masters there were telling their slaves to pick cotton.” He told us that, “There have been a lot of freaks that have held this title. One of them could not decide between being male, female or a dog. We even had hets hold the title! Remember Susie Shepherd and KT Chase? They were lesbians!” and on and on. Tom went on and on about the fabulous SPLF website that he did not know was up there until that very week and how he had also just discovered Leather Journal’s website.

People at SPLF were wondering why any of his friends didn’t pull Tom aside and have a word with him or stop him. Some thought that Tom was intoxicated. I don’t think so. I think he was overwhelmed with emotion. During the basket auction, I did have a word with Tom about him talking too much. I spoke to him as a friend without using profanity. It did no good. He brushed me off and told me he would tell me about it later.

I finally left because I could not bear to stay for any more of that train wreck. Tom was wasting my time and he was pissing me off with what he had to say. And yes, it was cutting into our dungeon time.




By Peggy aka O

There is a widespread notion that somehow there exists a Holy Grail of “True Dominance.” Once partaking of this Grail, one becomes a fountain of wisdom, a clear, just and fair leader and the embodiment of chivalric virtues in the style of King Arthur. Once one has imbibed, one’s domly virtues are then apparent for all to see and the dominant will be instantly recognizable as such by other dominants and revered as True Dominants by submissives far and wide.

The reality is that dominants are not knighted, nominated or otherwise conferred their title. They are self-identified. There are no objective criteria for determine who qualifies as a dominant. There is no certification program, no tests to pass, no hurdles to jump. You are a dominant if you decide you are. You are a functional dominant if someone else agrees with you.

Because of the myth that being dominant somehow confers a whole array of positive character attributes, there is a natural attachment on the part of many to their title of dominant. They feel their label will automatically communicate to the rest of the world the fact that they have all the positive character attributes that are part of the dominant package. They become a Knight of the Round Table, the Queen of the Realm, the God or Goddess of the universe with all the goodies.

When in a relationship with someone who responds to a dominant’s self identification in a submissive manner, the Deity of the Universe, or at very least the Wise Teacher role can work. At that point, the dominant has already exhibited qualities or personality attributes that inspire submission in the other person.

The issue arises when a dominant feels that, because they have inspired submission in one person, that they will automatically inspire it in others. When a submissive is not inspired to submission in their presence, there is then the assumption that somehow the submissive is “not real” because they were unable to recognize the dominant as such and respond in awe and submission.

Dominance and submission can be viewed as a dance. Just because someone else knows how to dance does not mean they are an appropriate dance partner. They may not dance the same steps as you; they may not like the same music. Because two people are not suited to be dance partners does not mean that either one of them is not a dancer.

It is part of the dominant’s job not to fall into the True Dominant Trap. The key to this is to have a realistic view of oneself. It can be helpful to take an inventory of one’s strengths and weaknesses as a person, as opposed to as a dominant. Once the inventory has been taken, it’s good to have an impartial reality check. See if your self-assessment is a realistic one. Check in with others who know you well.

Although it can be tempting to brush off the reality check with “I don’t care what other people think,” the reality is that, to a certain extent people DO care what others think, even if those others are simply our circle of family, friends and lovers. Having a realistic view of oneself is one of the cornerstones to inspiring submission in others. Very few people have a lot of patience in the long term with someone who presents themselves as something they are not. The ability to suspend disbelief around the infallibility of another decreases sharply over time, whereas the ability to interact positively with someone whose self-view is realistic does not. The ability to see oneself through the eyes of others gives one a greater ability to navigate both social situations, but more importantly key relationship issues.

**** Thank you to Peggy aka O for allowing me to publish this article. ****



**** Reposted with permission ****

On March 14, 2003, the Leather Rose was visited by City of Chicago Revenue agents; these agents were seeking evidence that there was a Public Place of Amusement, one of the issues for which the Leather Rose was previously cited.

The LRA was founded last year as a non-profit organization to qualify for an exemption under the Chicago PPA ordinance. As many of you know, the PPA ordinance is the reason why memberships are required of all attendees, and the LR could no longer allow either general public or single evening admission. The City of Chicago PPA ordinance specifically forbids entrance fees charged at the time of the event for exempt non-profit organizations. A PPA license is required if such a fee is to be charged.

On the night of March 14, 2003, City of Chicago Revenue officers repeatedly attempted to gain admission to the LRA through the payment of a single evening fee. They were told that this was not allowed; and that the LRA was a private, not for profit, membership organization. They were further informed that, if they wished to join, they would need to purchase a membership – but that they would not be allowed to use the facilities that evening (on the day of the purchase). Memberships are not valid until the following day (no same day memberships). This is our posted, and enforced, policy.

Even after being informed of this policy, which conforms with the exemption provision of the City of Chicago PPA ordinance, the undercover agents still attempted to persuade the LRA staff member to let them enter the facilities that evening. After being denied, they then purchase a 3 month couples membership. After purchasing the membership, an agent then followed a staff member into the club, even though they had been explicitly informed they could not enter the facilities that evening. Upon the agent crossing the threshold, in violation of the agreed terms of sale of the membership, the second agent displayed his badge, and announced that he was from the City of Chicago Revenue department, and that the PPA ordinance had been violated.

In the interests of members’ privacy, it was decided to ask everyone to leave the facilities. The agents did not shut the club down; although they did leave a citation for the PPA.

We believe that we are not required to have a PPA, based on several factors. The LRA is a non-profit organization, and therefore should qualify for the exemptions for non-profits. Secondly, the charter of the LRA is not to provide “amusements”; but rather, to provide an educational forum and meeting place. These activities do not fall under the definition of amusements within the ordinance. Finally, the LRA is a private members-only group; we do not sell same day or one day memberships, or admit people based on door fees.

The agents did collect any list of members (nor did they ask for one). No membership information is kept at the facility, to protect our members’ privacy. They did check behind the lounge area for alcohol, and of course did not find any, as we do NOT serve or allow alcohol. They asked some of the attendees if they were members, and if they had membership cards. These folks either presented their membership cards, or said that they were guests, with a signed waiver from that evening at the door. This further bolsters our position that we are a membership organization, and not a general admission type of club. I want to thank those folks who cooperated with the revenue agents. That was the appropriate, and thoughtful thing to do.

To avoid any further confusion, conflict, or risks to our members, we have decided to cancel the March 15th St. Paddles day event (this evening). We strongly considered having the party – but we cannot guarantee that the revenue department would not return; and we wish to protect our members and their privacy. Even if we explained the situation, and outlined the risks, we did not feel comfortable asking our members to expose themselves in that manner until we can take some steps to further assure the private nature and status of the facility and the club.

We also feel that this harassment from the revenue department is more about a disapproval of our lifestyle, than about an ordinance. We were not the only club visited last night, and I expect others will be visited in the future. We need to pull together as a community; and support each other in our lifestyle and orientation.

It is our present intention to vigorously defend our position in the City of Chicago Administrative Hearing Courts, and if necessary, to appeal any adverse decision in the Circuit Court of Cook County. The LRA remains committed to providing a safe non-threatening place for fellowship, education, and self expression for all members of our community.

Thank you all for your support and understanding.

**** Reposted with permission ****



Bryan ‘Pup’ Mullikin passed away this weekend in his apartment in Chicago. The cause of death is unknown.



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Friday 3.21 NYC

Purple Passion / DV8 celebrates the Black Party with a Fetish/SM art opening featuring Ira Smith & Coyote. Open from 4-8pm. Also Saturday 2-6pm and Sunday 2-5pm. At 211 W 20 St. Info: 212-807-0486

Friday 3.21 NYC

Lesbian Sex Mafia Program: “Cutting” with Mistress Blair. Watch, learn and then try your hand at the tools, art and techniques of safely cutting willing flesh. All levels of experience welcome. Women only. 8:45 pm at The LGBT Center, 208 W 13 St, just west of 7 Ave. $6 ($4 active LSM/local BDSM group members). Info: 212-726-3844 or

Friday 3.21 NYC

DomSubFriends Meeting: “Adding excitement with Role Playing” with Rick Umbaugh and cast. Daddy… little girl, Mommy … little boy, Priest — confessor.. , Santa — bad girl/boy, Teacher….cheating boy/girl, these are just some of many role playing scenarios.. How to negotiate in scene, prepare someone for role-play, and talk about sex games, such as x-rated monopoly. 8pm at Paddles, 250 W 26 St between 7 & 8th Aves. $8 (4 for members of DSF & affiliate members). Info:

Friday thru Sunday 3.21-23 East Elmhurst, NY

The 3rd annual NYC Bon Con at the Crowne Plaza La Guardia, 104-04 Ditmars Boulevard. Single Day Passes for the Exhibit Area are available for $20. Bondage Ball tickets will be available at the door on Sunday for $35. Info:

Saturday 3.22 NYC

TES Workshop: “Fundamentals of Impact Play” with Chris M from Black Rose. From introductory to intermediate techniques, including floggers’ anatomy, basics etc, come learn the principles behind flogging, spanking, paddling and caning, the nuances of thud and sting, the dangers of wrapping and the ecstatic pleasures of deep play. Bring your toys, you will be using them.. 2-5pm at The LGBT Center, 208 W 13 S, just west of 7 Ave. $20 at the door or $15 advance ($5 discount for members of TES and other leather/SM orgs) Info: 212-388-7022 or

Sunday 3.23 NYC

TES “Tribute to Bondage Party.” Bondage contest, food, beverages, fun. Welcome to those who attended BONDCON NYC! Whether you are into bondage or not, attend this 8-hour party. $35 ($20 for BOND CON NYC “All-Access” (4-Day) Attendees and members of TES and other SM/leather orgs). Info: 212-388-7022 or

This Monday and every Monday Cyberspace

Back by popular demand (maybe not so popular but surely demanding…): The Eulenspiegel Not Til chat room on AOL 10pm-Midnight. NOT a TES event but an unofficial place online where many TES members and friends hang out and talk. No set topic. It is a good place to ask questions, debate the answers, ask and receive advice, compare notes about the scene, gossip about last week, plan the upcoming week, flirt a little, be serious and not so serious. On AOL in the Town Square area of the People Connection in a “member room” – not private: aol://2719:61-2-Eulenspiegel not til. Add this location to your Favorite Places Folder so that it’s easy to come back.

Tuesday 3.25 NYC

TES presents The Switchables Group: “My Journey To a Switch.” Mistress Marina will discuss her personal journey to becoming a switch. She will discuss the common questions and issues that faced many switches before they have reached their “final destination” in the Scene. 7:30pm at 24 Bond St – Ground Floor. $8 ($4 for members of TES and other SM/leather orgs). Info: 212-388-7022 or

Wednesday 3.26 NYC

TES presents “Goodbye Bond Street.. Pot Luck Social.” After over 10 years, we bid farewell to 24 Bond Street. Bring a dish to share, and join us for food, fun, & reminiscing. In lieu of door fees, please make a donation to the Robin Quimby Memorial Fund. This will be our last meeting at 24 Bond Street. 7:30pm at 24 Bond St – Ground Floor. $8 ($4 for members of TES and other SM/leather orgs). Info: 212-388-7022 or

Wednesday 3.26 NYC

GMSMA Program: “Creating The Magic: S/M As A Spiritual Path.” How do you take an ordinary S/M scene and turn it into a transcendent experience? Our presenters will demonstrate ways to set the scene, create transporting rituals, and move the bottom through his fears into places of surrender and intimate spiritual bliss. An intense experience in a controlled, safe space can be erotic and cathartic, and bring you and your partner to the realization of your oneness with the Universe. 7:30pm at The LGBT Center, 208 W 13 St, just west of 7Ave. Info:



The Black Party ads look too much like abuse:

Have fun! Play safe!

Lolita Wolf

Lolita speaking only for Lolita, of course!

Tags: P+P Newsletter

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