Lolita Wolf's Predictions & Predilections

As a BDSM Sex Educator and Author, I don't just talk about it. I do it! And then I write about it.

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What’s love got to do with it?

October 27th, 2006 · 2 Comments

Bearsir commented to me in my Sex and Dishes post where I discussed my idea of a fuckbuddy.

He said, “This is interesting; I have been writing a lot recently about the sense, culturally that there is this dichotomy about sex: either you have monogamous, partnered sex or you’re having casual, anonymous sex. My sense, though, is that a /lot/ of us are looking for something in between – fond sex, sex with someone with whom we can build some intimacy and trust, but not with a goal of partnership, and not within the recognized boundaries of “romantic love” that Hallmark recognizes.”

Bingo! And I have been thinking a lot about this. As I said before I do not want to be in a committed relationship in order to have sex. But really I do want sex with someone(s) where we can learn each other, explore and have fun. It’d the kind of sex that gets better with time.

One thing I have been thinking a lot about is that Joseph Bean said that one should not fuck (or play) without love. And he certainly is not talking about romantic love. He says, “Love can take many forms, but the very ground from which it springs is the demand one places on oneself to please and do what is good for the other person.”

Oddly, that is exactly what my parents explained to me about love.

I discussed this with Jefferson. He liked what Joseph has to say, but opined, “Too bad that [the quote’s] focus on giving omits the selfish joy of loving.”

Hmm… He’s right. I cum when I am being “selfish” or just concentrating on my pleasure. If I didn’t do that I would never get off. When I explain that to Jefferson, he says, “… but I really do get off on other people’s orgasms.” And, gee, me too. OK, so that helps me rationalize my piggy self.

Bearsir goes on to say, “The problem (it seems to me) is that we don’t know how to talk about it well – it’s not a prelationship style that we have good cultural models for, so we’re reluctant to ask for it or want it, and have a hard time negotiating the boundaries of it because we’re always starting from scratch (or at least it seems like it).”

Well, I am using the tools that I have learned in my SM travels and applying them here. These are tools such as communication, seduction, patience, building trust and a little bit of negotiation. And as far as models, all my fuckbuddy relationships are different (just like all my play relationships are different), so there is not one cookie-cutter model.

But I got a problem. Love. The word creeps me out. I understand what Joseph and my parents have said about love and it works for me and what I look for in a fuckbuddy. But the word, just the word, is so loaded. I don’t want to use that word. But then, I don’t have to use the word. I can just shut up and fuck. Or better yet, a gag can work, too.

sexblogs, sex blogs

Tags: Relationships

  • Teddy Pig

    Sex with the option to buy or lease?

  • mutleythedog

    this could be popular in Dorset – most people are very very old or even dead!